That's the damnable misery of it

"I spent my whole life not knowing what I want out of it, just chasing my tail. Now, for the first time, I know exactly what I want and who... that's the damnable misery of it."

-Wyatt Earp, Tombstone

Énouement

The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

(I am still living it down.)

I found a list of uncommon and very specific, relatable words a while ago that seem to fit the bill.

Monachopsis - the subtle but persistent sensation of being out of place.

I really am trying. I just can't help feeling that I'm lying to myself. I don't want to be with someone and think constantly of someone else, but I cling to the reality that I've squandered the ultimate opportunity and can only hope that looking into the eyes of another will help me let go. I want to live in the now.

I'm tired of the infinite battle storming through my head.  A jouska of anechdoche. I tell myself that I'm teaching myself the ultimate lesson in life, but more often I just feel sorry for myself.

Ellipsism - the sadness of knowing you'll never know how history plays out.

On another note, my trip to Yosemite was filled with vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.  Absolutely hands down the most gorgeous park I've ever been to.

Mindlessly poking through my wallet this morning I found a small square of paper that I don't remember stowing away, but which has been very relevant to my thoughts lately.

"The beauty of a new beginning is that it eases the pain of your past mistakes."

But it was only a temporary relief.  Now all I do is remember how good I had it, and how weak and unworthy I was to let it slip from my hands.  I didn't even let it slip, I let go.  And now I am haunted by the thought that I will carry this burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life--the burden of "what if".  I was so, so wrong.

And what makes it even worse is that what I have now should be enough, more than enough.

Concerts

I need to start making a list of the concerts I've been to before I completely forget these things.  Yikes.

2007     Wynton Marsalis and the Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra @Knoxville
2007     Grand Ole Opry - Clint Black, Trisha Yearwood, Porter Wagoner, Cole Deggs and the Lonesome, Cherryholmes, Jan Howard, Bobby Osborne and the Rocky Top Xpress, The Whites @Ryman Auditorium, Nashville

2008     Paramore, Jack's Mannequin, and Paper Route @Memphis

2009     Zoso and Appetite for Destruction @Knoxville

2010     Asher Roth, Flogging Molly, Passion Pit @Knoxville (Volapalooza)
2010     Rodrigo y Gabriela @ Knoxville

2012     Anberlin @Purdue
2012     Papadosio @Bloomington
2012     Big Gigantic @Bloomington
2012     Coldplay and Robyn @Houston
2012     Michael McDonald, Donald Fagen, and Boz Scaggs Dukes of September @Houston
2012     The Flaming Lips, Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg @Houston (Free Press Summer Fest)

2013     Lynyrd Skynyrd and Bad Company @Indianapolis

2014     Doobie Brothers and Boston @Houston
2014     Don Felder, Styx, and Foreigner @Houston
2014     Ringo Starr & His All Starr Band @Houston
2014     Paul McCartney @New Orleans

2015     Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band @Houston
2015     Jerry Jeff Walker @Austin
2015     Elton John @Houston
2015     Old Crow Medicine Show and the Avett Brothers @Houston
2015     Jackson Browne @Houston

2016     David Gilmour @Madison Square Garden
2016     Pearl Jam, Van Morrison @New Orleans Jazz and Blues Heritage Festival
2016     Journey and the Doobie Brothers @Houston
2016     Def Leppard, REO Speedwagon, and Tesla @Houston
2016     Flight of the Conchords @Houston

2017     Metallica, Volbeat, Avenged Sevenfold @Houston
2017     Roger Waters @Louisville
2017     38 Special @Houston
2017     Alice Cooper, Deep Purple, and Edgar Winter Group @Houston
2017     Foreigner, Cheap Trick, and Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Experience @Houston

2018     Leon Bridges @Houston
2018     Peter Frampton and Steve Miller Band @Houston
2018     Jonny Lang and Los Bandoleros @Houston
2018     Gary Clark Jr @Houston

2019     Turnpike Troubadours @Houston
2019     Fleetwood Mac @Houston
2019     Yonder Mountain String Band and Dangermuffin @Houston

2019     Queen @Houston
2019     The Rolling Stones @Houston
2019     Heart and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts @Houston
2019     KISS @Houston
2019     Eric Clapton w/ Bill Murray, Joe Walsh, John Mayer, Albert Lee, Buddy Guy Band, Tedeschi Trucks, Doyle Bramhall, Alan Darby, Gary Clark Jr., James Bay, Keb Mo, Lianne La Havas, Los Lobos, Robert Cray, Robert Randolph, Tom Misch, Vince Gill and Band, Bradley Walker, Jerry Douglas, Jonny Lang @Dallas
2019     Tenacious D @Houston

2020     Trey Anastasio @Houston
2020     Grace Potter @Houston
2020     The Eagles @Houston
2020     The Who @Houston
2020     Chicago and Rick Springfield @Houston
2020     Steely Dan w/ Steve Winwood @Houston
2020     James Taylor and Jackson Browne @Louisville
2020     Black Keys w/ Gary Clark Jr. @Houston
2020     Journey and The Pretenders @Houston
2020     Backstreet Boys @Houston

2021     Jason Spooner & Jay Psaros @Plymouth

2021     Shakey Graves @Houston
Hopefully many more to come.

Trip to Utah

I recently took a trip to Utah for a class and thought I'd post my favorite pictures from the trip here.

Arches National Park

Theropod footprint

Delicate Arch under the Milky Way

Tyler's artwork

Milky Way over Moab

Whoa what?!

Castle Valley

Castle Valley

Castle Valley

Onion Creek diapir

Come Up the Years
Jefferson Airplane - 1966

I ought to get going
I shouldn't stay here and love you
More than I do;
'Cause you're so much younger than I am.
Come up the years, come up the years
And love me, love me,
Love me.

A younger girl keeps hanging around,
One of the loveliest I've ever found,
Blowin my mind, stealing my heart
Somebody help me before I fall apart.

I ought to get going
I shouldn't stay here and love you
More than I do;
'Cause you're so much younger than I am.
Come up the years, come up the years
And love me, love me,
Love me.

The things she's doing keep turning me on,

And I've been happy to go right along

I know it's time that I've said goodbye

I know that I can't leave,

No matter how hard I try.

I ought to get going
I shouldn't stay here and love you
More than I do;
'Cause you're so much younger than I am.
Come up the years, come up the years
And love me, love me,
Love me.

Today was an awful day

Today was an awful day.